The scorecard

So, 8 treatments down and here's the drum.
- The massage really did help the swelling. I even noticed the difference overnight, but it took 2 days or so to completely clear.
- The skin is noticeably different in colour. This is a little worrying as they told me this would start to happen in another week or so. It seems my pale skin is a little ahead of schedule. I don't want to think about what that means for later on.
- The nipple has been itchy and sensitive. The bra rubbed yesterday so I'll be back to braless again by the end of this week I think, like when my breast was swollen. I have to wear work clothes today for a big meeting so maybe not today.
- I have increased my walking and activity and that seems to be helping the tiredness. Monday I didn't think I'd get through the day but I walked home from the station instead of catching the bus (15 - 20 mins) and just kept going when I got home - doing things like putting on washing, putting things away, anything except sit down - and I got through the barrier and felt better. Yesterday I walked more during the day and got through more easily.

I've also got some great tips from a Breast Cancer forum that a friend put me on to. Hopefully they will help also.

Time to go and get ready for treatment number 9.

Please sir, can I have some more?

4 days down. 26 to go. At this early stage I'm not sure if counting down is helpful or not, but it seems to be how everyone around me thinks so I'll go with it.

The treatment in itself is fine. I don't feel anything and it's amazingly quick. All this hassle to get there, wait to be called in, put on a gown, 30 seconds later take the gown off and climb onto the table, some calling of numbers and writing on me, measuring sometimes and moving me and the table around. Then they're gone - the staff leave the room and it's just me and the machine. I lie there focussing on staying still, which of cause makes it harder to stay still! Then the buzzing starts up, and the machine - called a linear accelerator, how sci fi is that? - is doing its thing. I'm sure it's less than a minute later that it stops and the staff come back in, adjust things, move the machine to my other side and leave again. This time it's also only a small number of seconds - maybe I should count them? - before it's over again. Then back to the changing room to put on moisturiser (part of the routine of treatment), get dressed and go catch a train to work.

The effects are not supposed to be noticeable yet but I like to be different. They are not severe yet, but I know when things are different in myself and my body is definitely not itself. One change that can't be missed is the swollen and painful breast. The loss of 8 lymph nodes has clearly had an impact on drainage, and this is particularly painful around the bruised and still not quite healed wound. I am already unable to wear even the post-surgery bra comfortably, so I'm in a tank top under comfortable (loose) casual clothes, even for work. The doctor saw me yesterday - it was supposed to be Thursday but things seem to change all the time - and said that I can help it drain by massaging it towards my sternum as there is a line of lymph nodes there too. I am giving that a go but she said it would take a few days to make a noticeable difference.

Otherwise it feels a bit like being pregnant. Periods where I really slump and feel very tired, and a general feeling of being "not quite right". Also vagueness, just like baby brain. I am also hungrier. I have a reputation at work for eating a lot. I'm not sure that it's deserved - I graze so I do eat more often, but it's small quantities. Nevertheless my colleagues laughed when I told them that the nurse had told me that I'd need to eat more during treatment as I would lose weight easily due to the huge amount of regeneration that my body would undergo (which is not so good for me as I don't have a lot to lose). I have discovered in the last couple of days though that eating more - especially eating more often, and fruit is one of the better foods - really helps. I feel less "off" which I think is resulting from low blood sugar, I feel less tired, and my brain feels more normal. So now I can truly be teased for eating all the time! And for the record, I'm about half a kg lighter than when I started treatment, so I must be needing the extra calories.

The Blue Bag Brigade

Thursday was initiation day. The "Planning Session" as it is known in radiation therapy circles. The day when you are CT scanned, photographed, written on, traced, measured and tattooed, ready for the start of the radiation treatment. I also found that you get a blue bag and an oversized gown to carry in it. I guess it saves them washing if patients take the gowns with them each time and just swap them over for washing once a week or so. It also means you can spot others going for treatment around the hospital - just look for those carrying the blue bag.

I'm new to the brigade so I don't know much about it yet. I wonder if it will be like the "mums'" club, where mums with babies all smile at each other at shopping centres. All these people carrying blue bags giving each other knowing smiles as they pass by. I'll have to let you know.

Not the worst

Who'd have thought that finding out you have breast cancer might not be the worst thing to happen in a month. Hot on the heels of my bombshell, my Father in Law upped the ante by having a heart attack and stroke. Then in hospital they found out that he had two blocked heart arteries, one nearly totally blocked, various other blood vessel problems, gall stones and to top it all off, lung cancer. Only my FIL could have so much wrong at once!

I guess it just goes to show the importance of perspective. A month ago it felt like my news was all consuming and a huge deal. Now if feels like a glitch - a relatively big one really I guess - but not the end of the world.

Hopefully I still feel the same way next week when I start my radiation treatments.

Not quite back to normal yet

So there I was so proud of not having much pain, and now I'm starting to feel it. My breast is totally yellow and brown, with areas of deep purple. The whole breast is bruised and I am starting to feel it. I think my movement on that side has actually decreased. It is just possible that DH was right when he told me I was overdoing the exercises and doing things around the house. Mind you, I'm still a bit shocked about reading that the aim is for the movement in my left arm to be back to 75% a month after surgery. It seems like I should be doing much better than that. Perhaps that is my problem - I still believe I'm invincible.

Well it's back to work tomorrow, just for half a day to see how I go. I guess I'll find out how I go soon enough.

Well it's out

Hopefully. The pathology isn't back yet, but I've had the surgery and hopefully all the nasty cancer has been banished. I will still have to have radiation therapy and maybe chemo but this is a great start, right?

I have recovered really well from the surgery. I'm not back to normal but the pain hasn't been bad and I'm out and about a bit. I felt fantastic in hospital after I properly woke up from the drugs. Even the nurses seemed a bit surprised that I was so well!! Well I guess I need to be well, I've got some arse to kick!!

I'm not up to a lot of typing just yet, so this will do for now.

Op Day

I have mostly been awake since 3am. I expected that I would need to wake up early to go to the toilet - knowing that I can't have anything including water from midnight I drank a fair bit of water before bed. Then it was hard going back to sleep - I kind of expected that too. We also had the 6yo in the bed with us all night. It's the second time in 3 days, I think it's his way of dealing with the anxiety he is feeling from my going to hospital. He even shared his green apple with me last night - usually he and DH have 2 quarters each but last night he wanted to share with me.

Still though, I feel strangely calm. Yesterday I was so busy all day at work - 10 hours I was there including an hour Personal Training session at lunchtime - so I didn't have much time to think. I was a bit nervous last night and probably will be again when it's time to leave in half an hour, but right now I am in practical mode - making sure DH has all the lists he needs, a final email to work with one thing I forgot to finish off making kids lunches for school and kindy and making sure I have everything packed. I think practical mode is good, it keeps me calm.

So, wish me luck!!

Yeah, yeah, I know you have breast cancer

Today I am a big ball of nervous energy. Kind of like a big tennis ball sized ball of rubber bands we once had. Lots of potential energy and nowhere constructive for it to go. At least my mind has slowed down. The last few mornings I have woken up with my mind racing - literally going so fast I wondered if this was what it felt like to be on speed. Imagine a sushi train with a booster engine, speeding around the track and you barely have time to pick the thoughts off before they are gone again.

It hit me a bit last night. I have my last day of work before the surgery coming up today so it's feeling a bit real. Most people who need to know (and some at work who don't) know now, but we keep coming up with more people we should tell that I had forgotten about. I am totally touched by all the support and offers of help we've received. If there is ever a good side to bad news it is the way it brings out the best in everyone.

My 6yo is going to keep me honest. No self-pity for me. On the weekend I played footy in the park with the boys and then explained to them that I might not be up to footy in the park again for a few weeks. DS1 says "Yeah, yeah, I know. You have breast cancer." with that kind of "roll your eyes" tone. Gotta love him!

So now I know

Well, after an agonising time waiting in the waiting room for an hour after my surgeon was delayed in surgery, DH and I finally got called in. He didn't really beat around the bush - he handed me a copy of the pathology report and said, "well, it's a cancer". I guess there's really no easy way to say it - like there is no easy way to hear it. He confirmed that it's good that it was found early, and that I have an excellent prognosis. He used a few technical terms and wrote them down (and as DH said that means I can go for my life on Google now - I do like to research things to death). He also gave me a thick book all about Early Breast Cancer - which kind of covers most things I want to know but not in enough detail.

So, next week I have surgery to remove the lump and hopefully just one lymph node from under my arm. I have to have a guide wire put in first so he can locate it - I've had this before, it leaves a wire sticking out of your chest which is a bit off-putting, but I don't remember the insertion being too bad. Then I stay overnight and hopefully go home with good news once the pathology comes back. I'm aiming to be back at work the following Monday but who knows. And then 6 - 8 weeks of radiation therapy. Hmm, I wonder if I will get used to the idea of that before it starts. I can't say the idea thrills me too much right now, but apparently my other options are mastectomy or a 30 - 40% chance of the cancer coming back so that makes the radiation sound somewhat more appealing.

A curve ball

Yesterday feels a little surreal. I had my specialist call me with test results and I'm not sure I'll ever forget his words - "Not good, frankly".  So I will know more details today but basically I already know that I have breast cancer. At age 41, with two young boys. I also know that it's small and they caught it early, so I am glad about that. But scared too, and shaken and well, a little freaked out.

There are lots of thoughts running through my head - I am the family breadwinner and I never did quite get the income protection insurance sorted out, I'll never be able to get the insurance now, nor change my life insurance or anything, how will my mum react who has had breast cancer, or my dad who currently has prostate cancer, or my sisters. My sisters that I don't see nearly enough of and who I might just get to spend Christmas with this year. But of all the thoughts, the worst is of how do I tell the boys. My anxious 6 year old, and my cuddly 4 1/2 year old who needs me. They both need me. And I know this is probably caught early enough that I will get through this, but it kind of changes things doesn't it? I mean once you've had it - you know, things aren't the same again.

Anyway, I guess now it's a waiting game. I will know more this morning. And amazingly I slept well last night. When I woke up it hit me like a freight train to my chest, but at least I got a good night's sleep in first.

Stay tuned